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Late afternoon paddle boarding with David. His first time in the Pacific Ocean and on a paddle board :)
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I wander.
I’ve been wandering a lot lately. Aimlessly…or at least I think it’s aimlessly.
I wander the streets. I think I wander them because I know I won’t recognize anyone on them. No one walks around here. I walk down the sidewalk glad to be just another face in the sea, or at least trying to be. The streets are mostly crowded with tourists and I am obviously a local at first glance. It is still possible to be invisible because the only other locals are workers shoving coupons in your face. They ignore them, they ignore me. It is the same in café’s. Sitting among people comfortable in their own solitude.
I feel like I’ve been seeking this kind of solitude as of late. I like to be surrounded by people and that has created a conflict in what I am seeking. I figure that this way I can be surrounded but I’m not failing the expectations of others, I’m not facing any questions, I’m not forced to think of failing the expectation of myself. I don’t have to explain why I am quiet. Why I drift out of conversation and my eyes have wandered beyond the walls. Why I look solemn.
I do not have answers for these questions. I am still trying to answer them myself. Apparently in no such hurry, but…I am trying. I do not know what to tell you. I want to say something; I want to have an answer. It is expected of me. Yet I open my mouth and nothing but air escapes. I imagine this air flowing from the very top of my throat where it has been waiting for an opening. I watch it in its entirety slowly becoming invisible as it joins the elements of the air surrounding me. My mind is wandering to this place where air solidifies and de-solidifies itself and I just want to stay here. A place where simplicity and complexity have found a way of coexisting without any abrupt disturbances.
I wander in music. 90% of the day there is music resonating in my ears, even when I am asleep there is music playing. Music is playing on my ipod; my computer, my guitar. In the car; during work; walking down the street; walking through department stores; in the café; at home. I do listen to entire albums but there are times when it is one song that is played over and over and over. One of the songs that have been continuous on my guitar is Zebra by Beach House. Once I learned it on guitar…I haven’t stopped playing it. There is something about it being half a step down and the constant note changing that keeps me focused and seems suited. I think that that same theory is why I also play Romance (aka Romanza aka Romance de Amor.) It require a lot of concentration from me to try and get through it without any mistakes. Once, after playing it, a friend said “you play a lot sad songs.” I guess I never really thought of Romance being a sad song. The first half is in minor but the second half, my favorite part, is in major. I learned the second half about a month ago after only playing the first half for years. I don’t know why it took me so long, it is so beautiful.
I wander in thought. In and out of a state of consciousness. I recognized this when I look back on days and realize that there were fragments of time that were just a blur. I realized it when I noticed I woke up with no feeling of having slept. The odd thing is, for the most part, there is no singular concentrated thought. Sure I think of some specific things every so often. It just seems that most of the time, it is this fog of having too much to think about. Where you have the choice to try and not think about anything (impossible!;) or let everything pour out at once creating this fog, this vast ocean where concentrating on one ripple becomes too difficult. So you sail, you swim, you tread until something or someone fishes you out. When it becomes rough and self destructive you float, look to the sky and concentrate on clouds until there is calm or you’re washed up on the shore.
Sometimes. When I’m not looking. I wonder.
